tonight

i've had this account for about a month now.  the words and ideas have been flowing in my head, but until tonight haven't made it onto this page.  so why am i here tonight? tonight brought me back to the reason i wanted to start this blog.  tonight i spent the evening surrounded by family, the family that's gone through so much in the past year.  the family i almost lost, in more than one way.  tonight reminded me that when life goes on for many, life is stalled for others.


this is my attempt to spread my eternal optimism.  this is my attempt to make a dream come true.  selfish?  maybe.  but i hope it becomes selfless too.


so before my story begins, i'll introduce myself.  i'm a 31 year old woman.  i'm a wife and a stepmother and a grandmother.  i'm hoping to become a mother in the near future.  i thrive in sunshine.  i wither in darkness.  i have a kind, empathetic soul.  i want the world to be a better place.  i hope that when given the opportunity i can add a little bit of light to others' lives.  subject #1: my stepson, Eric.


several conversations have lead me to tonight.  the first, christmas dinner, and an incentive thrown on the table by my husband, Chuck, to Eric.  "if you're walking by next christmas, we'll celebrate it in hawaii".  the second, a zombie survival brainstorm with a dear friend (i'll explain later).  the third, spending tonight watching E struggle with the hand life's dealt him and realizing i need to get this ball rolling.  so without further hesitation, i'm tossing the ball.  o_____o_____o___o__o_o_o


sometimes the things that happen to other people happen to you.  all of the sudden, out of nowhere, you ARE the other people.  thanksgiving night, i became that person.  thanksgiving night my life and the lives of everyone in my family changed.  one single bullet with the wrong name on it sent us into the twilight zone. 


a knock on the door at 3 a.m. started what was to be the most terrifying day of my life.  in my half asleep stupor i nudged my husband awake telling him someone was at the door.  i have no idea what i thought could bring someone to my door at that hour, but after a couple of minutes without Chuck's return, i grabbed my glasses and my robe and headed downstairs.  if i knew what i would find at the bottom of my stairs maybe i would have closed my eyes and slipped back into the comfort of sleep.  there was my brother-in-law, Joe, and the words that still to this day don't seem real.  "Eric's been shot."  i don't know what they had going on in their heads, but in mine, i just didn't understand.  shot?  no, that can't be.  that doesn't happen to us.  that happens to other people.