this is getting harder

our story is beginning to get difficult... so much happened so quickly... and it's all jumbled in my head...


i've spent the last two hours drafting my next post and finally gave up by saving it for later... so that the lost sleep isn't in vain, i thought i'd at least post a little something... i spent this evening with chuck and eric stuffing ourselves on japanese hibachi grill cuisine... i'm glad i had that time with the two of them... unfortunately i haven't had the opportunity to see eric lately... the recent plans we've had have fallen through... but tonight made up for all of that... after a long chat covering everything from music festivals to mail order brides to recumbent bikes to the explanation of 420, we finally pushed our bloated selves away from our 'table' and drove back to his house... once we got past the initial awkwardness of his brother's ex showing up while the other ex was there he decided to put on a show... what seems like forever ago, but was probably a month ago, chuck suggested mounting something to the wall to assist e in his efforts to stand on his own... and now someone had... and we got to see him use his legs to push himself out of his chair into a standing position!  with both legs locked!  but more than that... the boy did a few 'squats'... using his legs to lower himself slightly and then straighten back up... only using his upper body for balance... what an amazing sight... that was the first time i really 100% believed we would actually be going to hawaii... i think i was at 95% before... but now... wow... what an amazing progress point he's made it to... there's still a long road ahead... but at least it seems to have a definite destination on the horizon...


i love you e... thanks for making my night
i love you chuck...


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i'm too pooped to even proof this, or add formatting... so here goes nothing... i'm hitting publish and if it's horrible in the morning i can just edit it  :)

Black Friday - In My Mind

so there i am, hearing the words "Eric got shot." and my mind went in so many directions... including out of my body... momentarily hovering above me as i tried to take in the scene... the harsh lighting of my kitchen as my eyes adjusted... my husband rushing past me, an aura of frenzy about him ... joe looking tired and upset... my mind thought it was anything but what i was going to learn in the coming hours...  i could only conjure the explanation of an accidental shot in his foot... a graze on his arm... something minor caused by something stupid... stupid kids in stupid places or stupid kids showing off... like you hear so often on the news... but my mind never went anywhere serious.  in those first moments i was actually angry at him for what my mind thought was a stupid decision... it had to be... in my reality these things don't just happen by chance.... these things only happen to other people...


 i went back upstairs to get dressed and grab my phone...  my phone! like running into a brick wall... the realization hit me... my phone rang around 2:45 am...  i had rolled over... grumbling at the disturbance... and looking to see who was calling at a such a late hour... i saw a number i didn't recognize... so i shrugged it off as a wrong number from some poor black friday shopper, cross referencing christmas shopping lists with family members in other stores... and rolled right back over into the comfort of my warm blanket and my husband's arms...
now in the blazing lights of my kitchen... i was hearing joe tell us that eric's mom, Lari, had tried calling and couldn't get a hold of us... i should've answered!... we could have been at the hospital by now... however, in the time it took the thought to enter my mind it was gone just as quickly... i grabbed my phone and threw on my clothes... flying back down the stairs and having a quick conversation with chuck in which we got our  communications crossed... i thought he was leaving right then and wanted me to follow... so as he walked out into our garage i had the sense to feed cartman...  back in my kitchen, taking a deep breath, putting a scoop of food into his bowl, i heard the door to the garage burst back open... with a startled look in both of our eyes, chuck and i gazed at each either... i in confusion... him in impatience... he had been waiting for me in the driveway... i hurriedly dropped cartman's dish to the floor and rushed out the door with chuck.
i don't know if we spoke on the long drive to the hospital... i imagine i was questioning him about what joe had told him while i was upstairs... we must have both been questioning what was really going on... i'll ask chuck tomorrow, but i'm fairly sure at this point we had heard the words we would hear far too many times in the next few hours... "he's paralyzed, doctors say he won't walk again"... it's so hard to convey where my mind was... i have this amazing knack for seeing the positive in everything, finding hope when there is none, denying what's right in front of my face with an optimism unmatched by anyone i've ever met... "won't walk again?  well, that's just nonsense.  he learned to walk when he was a baby, he'll walk again as a man. you're crazy for thinking otherwise!"... but there we were... parking at miami valley hospital... terror about to hit me in less than two minutes... pulling into a parking space... the last moments of hope... the last moments of what was a normal life... the last moments of that world i knew, that world i thought i was in control of... that world that apparently only existed in my mind... yes, in just two minutes my world began crashing down around my feet in a way i never could have foreseen